Usually, the difference between enjoying sex and being addicted to sex is apparent. “A healthy sexual appetite can be controlled. If sex is unavailable, it is disappointing but not devastating,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs. “With a sexual addiction, the addict feels desperate to have his or her sexual outlet, no matter the cost.” How to Spot Sexual Addiction A sexual addiction can manifest itself in many ways, so you will need to look for a variety of possible warning signs that you or your spouse or partner is a sex addict. Kathryn A. Cunningham, PhD, director of the Center for Addiction Research at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston, identifies the following possibilities:
Sex dominates an individual’s life to the exclusion of other activities.The individual engages in phone sex, computer sex, use of prostitutes, pornography, or exhibitionism.The person habitually masturbates.The individual has multiple sexual partners or cheats on partners.In extreme cases, the person engages in criminal activities, including stalking, rape, incest, or child molestation.
The challenging thing about a sexual addiction is that some “obsession” with sex is healthy. We should have a libido that makes us desire sex. But it goes too far when the person cares more about the act itself than the other person involved, says Kathleen Nickerson, PhD, the founder of FeelBetterNetwork.com. “A sexual addiction most often manifests in one of two ways: substituting sex for love and pursuing different, varied, or extreme sexual activities that are focused on the sex acts, not on any type of connection between two people,” Nickerson says. Though the term “sexual addiction” is commonly used to describe the person’s condition, Nickerson says it’s often a sign of a deeper mental struggle. “Sexual addiction is a fine descriptor, but it is likely incomplete,” she says. “Typically, we’d need to say more about what is going on with a person that is making them seek out the excessive sexual behavior.” When Is Sexual Addiction Counseling Necessary? If you or you partner or spouse is a sex addict, he or she will need sexual addiction counseling. Nickerson says this is one clear-cut situation in which the assistance of a therapist, support groups, and self-help books can be very important. “If you are in a relationship and the other person’s behavior is hurting the relationship, you should discuss this and come up with an action plan for how the two of you will respond and support each other,” she says. “Ultimately, you cannot make anyone else change, but you can encourage actions that will help result in positive change.” Being the loved one of a sex addict is especially difficult because you often become the addiction. “Setting your own boundaries and comfort limits is very hard to do with a sex partner, but you have the right to do what is best for you, so you need to risk telling them how you feel and what you need also,” says Nickerson. “Share your feelings and talk about what you are and are not willing to do. Always act in ways that make you feel comfortable, good about yourself, and safe.” If the relationship is healthy, Nickerson says, a person will respond to the needs of his partner or spouse with a sex addiction. “So be clear about expressing what you need, how you feel, and how the addiction is impacting you.”
